GOMO! Buddies

Grudges that Block Goals need a GOMO!

Last week’s blog is still on my mind- the one about releasing grudges for emotional freedom. There’s little question that grudges hurt relationships, but do you ever think about how grudges impact your goals? Grudges often lead to unwarranted fears, barriers and blunders as we work toward our goals.

The second edition of my first book was recently released, Goal Setting: How to Create An Action Plan and Achieve Your Goals (AMACOM, 2008). As I was leafing through it, the chapter discussing fears that block our goals grabbed my attention again. I reread it and then took a walk down memory lane.

Seventeen years ago, our family moved to central Iowa, a long day’s drive from my mother’s home in North Carolina. The first night in town, my stepfather called the hotel. His message was short and to the point. My mom’s cancer was going to kill her. He asked me to pass the news to my brothers as soon as possible. In one of those calls, my voice trembled a bit as I held back tears; and a brother responded, “Don’t go getting all emotional on me; just give me the facts.” 

I didn’t tell him what I thought about his comment, but I thought plenty about it in the privacy of my head-- none of it pretty. And a decision was made. Never again would he have an opportunity to admonish me about getting “emotional”.

You probably know where this is headed, right?

Because of that decision, I avoided interactions with him, and I built a skill of holding any “negative” emotion in check when we spoke.

Can consistent and nearly constant stoicism and optimism block a goal? My answer is, “yes.”

One of my ongoing goals is building healthy, honest, and trustworthy relationships throughout my relationships. The promise to “never again” put myself in a position for “him” to observe and possibly critique my emotions meant less honesty in several interactions. Rather than reveal my true thoughts and feelings, I stashed them. Not surprisingly, the stash became emotional trash. Stifling honest emotion led to suppressed anger and simmering angst. Despite overt positive behavior to “forgive and forget;” the unspoken reality was loss of relationship as a grudge gained power over forgiveness and an emotional lie trumped emotional truth.

Is that a “piece of crazy”? I think so. What kind of “crazy” do you need to get over so that you move on with purity towards a goal that’s important to you?

photo credit: nanasupergirl

Outgrow Your Grudges for a Lasting GOMO!

A woman of nearly forty has been at “war” with her mother for more than twenty years. Despite her mother’s attempts to extend love, sincere apologies for mistakes in the relationship, and understanding of her daughter’s choices, the daughter rages at her mom several times a week. Blame, accusations, demands, and unrelenting anger are hurled towards her mother. Even with her mouth shut, you can watch her emotional battle within. You can see the defensive body postures, the recoiling from touch, and the aggressively negative behaviors that fill the space around her. She is brittle and broken.

What’s gone wrong?

*Eva refuses to forgive. Eva won’t even take baby steps in forgiveness- towards herself, towards her mother, or towards anyone who has slighted her. The grudges that she holds are documented, cataloged, and remembered. Each one is stored for review and retaliation as needed. (*not her real name)

It’s a painful life.

Have you shared any part of this journey with Eva? Like Eva, have you decided that your growing array of grudges is more important to you than a life of emotional freedom?

Or, are you ready to outgrow some of your own grudges so that you have more emotional space for daily life that is more precious to you?

As I’ve released grudges and refrained from welcoming new ones, I’ve discovered that my decisions to forgive are gifts to me as well as to those whom I forgive. It seems that each act of forgiveness is an invitation to qualities that strengthen me far more than any grudge ever did. My capacity to experience love, joy, calm, patience, kindness, and self control has expanded. That’s probably no surprise. Fewer grudges means that there is less negativity to bruise those qualities.

My daily reality is that situations and people still tick me off- of course they do. But with conscious decisions to forgive, I move on to a preferred state of calm rather than a sustained reaction of anger and defensiveness.

What’s your preferred state? And, how’s the journey going?

photo credit: emarv

The GOMO! Way Focuses on Life

“We lost everything, but we didn't lose anything."

Dana Anderson, speaking from a wheelchair, uttered these words in explaining his perspective on the tornado that ravaged his home town, Parkersburg, IA.

The tornado unleashed more of its fury just as Dana and his sister sat down to eat. The siren wailed, they snatched their hot dogs, and hustled for the basement.

Too late.

The tornado forced open their back door; and walls tumbled down on Anderson, injuring his head and his leg and his home. Despite initial warnings that he would lose his leg, the leg is getting better, and Anderson is feeling more optimistic.

His circumstances give his words even greater power.

"We lost everything, but we didn't lose anything. Because all we lost is stuff. Never once did any of that stuff jump up and give me a hug. God had his hands all over us that day."

I’ve taken Dana Anderson’s words to heart. He reflects the GOMO! way. After considering his circumstances, Dana made his decision to  Get Over the pain and the damage of the tornado in his life. He’s not allowing the tornado that wreaked havoc with his physical possessions to wreak havoc in his emotional life. His decision is to Move On with the strength of his conviction that life is what matters. His. His sister’s. And the lives of their friends and neighbors in Parkersburg.

Dana Anderson is not despairing over stuff; he is rejoicing in life. It’s a GOMO! perspective; and I’m grateful for his testimony to it. How about you?

photo credit:  Anthony

GOMO! Removes Isolation and Rebuilds Connection

Shame over being fired.
Shame about an attempted suicide.
Shame over drug abuse.
Shame about needing medication.
Shame over a lie.
Shame about a handicap.
Shame over a lost championship game.
Shame about sexual behavior.
Shame over a lost opportunity.
Shame about a divorce.
Shame over a conflict with a friend.
Shame about a business failure.

You’ve just read a quick list of twelve situations that have led to shame for many. What would you add? These are varying issues to varying degrees, but still, a very real emotion that’s emerged in each one is shame. Sadly, tragically, shame isolates. The more our shame takes us captive, the more we distance our true selves from others.

Here’s a perspective that so many of us take:
Whatever the error I view as so grievous, I can hardly forgive myself, so I certainly don’t think that you can fully forgive me especially if you’ve been hurt by my actions. So, with shame, I pull away from our relationship.

Often concurrent with shame, we have an emotional free-for-all with guilt, anger, frustration, humiliation- all of these are emotions that we carry around with us as though they define us. Many of us, with our self imposed labels, believe that we come up short in comparison to others. Our comparisons make us less honest, less vulnerable, and less authentic in our relationships.

The end result is more isolation.

Here’s a real thinking question- one that may stay with you for a few hours.

To what extent do you allow ongoing shame to be a primary consequence of your mistakes?

Return to GOMO! to acknowledge the issue, seek forgiveness or apology, and move on to self-forgiveness in the form of love and mercy.

It may be that fully forgiving oneself is one of the hardest things that any of us ever do. On the other hand, it’s one of the greatest gifts that you can give yourself. Your self-forgiveness is also a magnificent gift to others.

Let me explain.

Self-forgiveness isn’t saying that your error or bad behavior is okay. Self-forgiveness is a decision to learn from your error to build greater personal strength. It’s about getting over what weakens you psychically, emotionally, spiritually, and even, physically so that you have the emotional space to move on with renewed power and confidence and faith in yourself.

Getting over your “it” gives you the emotional freedom to draw closer to others. Self-forgiveness is honoring yourself as a person worthy of dignity and respect, so that you take that honoring into other relationships and your future beliefs, behaviors and actions.

Invite GOMO! in again. Use Get Over it; Move On! to evaluate your situation for a more realistic and fair resolution. Be grateful for the GOMO! power that allows you to get over your it and move on with power.

Photo Credit

What Role Are You Seeking?

I’ve just closed the email from Contrarian Consulting by Alan Weiss. Does he ever have a fabulous article this time! Without giving too much of it away, Alan takes off on those of us who insist on starring as victims to our circumstances. He is indubitably, indomitably, infallibly right!

Many of us do insist on a starring role as “The Victim” in our own lives. Often, we are blatant in our blaming, complaining ways rather than taking action that leads to more victorious circumstances. Like Alan, I’ve witnessed my own examples: the Dean of a Business School who consistently blamed others when there was a mistake made (I never heard him take the blame for anything throughout a consulting project), a radiology nurse who publicly gossiped, cried and complained about her boss’s decisions, a young teacher who “gave up” seeking a teaching position because she wasn’t selected for the first position she applied for, and the Director in an Information Technology group who threatened to bomb a boss’s home because the boss’s performance expectations were hurting the director’s family life.

These are obvious examples of claiming the victim’s mantle.

Just pay attention to one day’s worth of the sports pages or articles about our political candidates, and you’ll learn that the victim mantle is frequently worn. In Hillary Clinton’s case, the victim mantle was labeled sexism in several articles. (Want to take a guess at the probable label had Barack Obama lost?) I even bumped into an article explaining why Senator Clinton will be blamed if Obama loses in the fall.

However, here’s a point to consider. Sometimes, pieces of that victim role sneak up on us. Or, sometimes, we’ve been carrying pieces of that role so long that we aren’t even aware of its weight on us. Or, we’ve shown the courage to shake most of that victim’s mantle, but pieces of it cling to us without us even being aware of it. Can you relate?

How about the buried pain of a successful executive whose mother left in the middle of the night when he was ten years old?

How about the shreds of bitterness that still impact a woman’s view of men because of her father’s deep neglect and emotional abuse?

How about the guilt of a twin whose brother died of cancer and left him wondering, “why him? Why not me?”

How about the despair of a fifty six year old man who carries the memory of a father who said, “You’ll never amount to anything” when he was fourteen?

Once again, GOMO!, Get Over it; Move On! has real application. Deciding to evaluate your “it” (an issue that’s bugging you), gives you an opportunity to shake even more of the pieces of the victim role that may be plaguing you. In using GOMO! over the years, I’ve learned that it’s important to understand that painful situations often have layers. Each layer needs a going over to really get over it. Each layer deserves the GOMO! process to facilitate true and lasting healing. And each layer has its own “right time” for awareness, acknowledgment, and action.

As you think about the value of GOMO! for you right now, here’s a quick review of the steps:

• Get connected: What are your feelings about your "it"?
• Own the facts: What are the facts around your "it"?
• Make your decision; Are you willing to release your "it"?
• Opt for action: Really get over it!
• Move On to Freedom! Specific strategies to build valuable personal strength.

"A victim blames outside forces, or themselves for their circumstances. A victor learns from their experiences.  That's worth repeating, a victim blames, a victor learns." --Leisa

Photo Credit: Gus Elliott

Just a Few More Thoughts On Quitting a Goal for Your Own Good

 Shortly after our initial interview, Laurie contacted me again to ask just a few more questions. So let’s finish up this series with these final (at least, for now!) thoughts on quitting goals.

How do you deal with the guilt, anxiety or regret that quitting produces? 

Here are a couple of ideas that have worked for me. Not too long ago, I made the decision to quit doing any major running. I had a very private goal of taking a shot at running a half marathon; but frankly, I just didn’t have enough desire and the training hurt! Rather than going to the equation of quitting = loser, I accepted the equation of quitting = smart decision for my knees and for freeing up time and energy for other goals that I desire even more. How could this strategy work for you?

Secondly, I’m really big on paying attention to the power of our language. What exactly are we saying to ourselves that produces that guilt, anxiety or regret? With my decision to quit the goal of running a half marathon, I invited a mental response that was more respectful of myself rather than shaming.

Are there lessons we can learn from people who give up for their own good? 

I suspect that people who are confident that they are giving up something for their own good don’t see the “giving up” as loss nearly as much. After all, if you give up something for your own good, aren’t you better off?

photo credit: chingclarachan

And the Winner of the Free Goal Setting Book is...

Cindi Neubauer from Ankeny, IA! 

Cindi says she is looking forward to using Goal Setting: How to Create an Action Plan and Achieve Your Goals as she and family members make a number of transitions in their lives.  Congratulations Cindi! 

Thanks to all who entered!

"If you don't know where you are going, you'll probably end up someplace else."-- Yogi Berra

We're giving away a free copy of Goal Setting!

Don't forget to send me a message by 5 PM (EST) tomorrow, (June 3) to be eligible to win a free copy of the new Goal Setting: How to Create an Action Plan and Achieve Your Goals. Good luck! I look forward to hearing from you!
Susan

Give Your Goal a GOMO! If it’s No Longer Working for You - Part 2

In last week’s blog, I promised to share more from the interview with *Laurie Kienlen, a freelance writer living off of the coast of British Columbia. Her article, Giving Up For Your Own Good: When Quitting Is The Healthiest Choice, will soon be published  Psychologies (a United Kingdom based magazine).

Laurie asked several thought provoking questions related to giving up on goals. She commented that, “Some people seem to experience very little anxiety when they walk away from situations that aren’t productive for them. What is their mindset, and how can we learn from them?” I love this question. It makes me think about what it means to be a "good quitter."

Here are five specific behaviors of a good quitter:

1. Someone who realistically considers the value of quitting vs. the value of keeping on keeping on.
2. Someone who recognizes the difference between "beating her head against a wall" vs. reasoned determination to achieve something valuable to her.
3. Someone who recognizes that a particular goal defines only a piece of who he is, and that he is so much more than one goal.
4. Someone who is comfortable with the fact that conditions change, and she embraces the strength of flexibility and the need to “change gears” when warranted
5. Someone who makes his own decisions rather than trying to please others.

 
How can we learn to differentiate between unhealthy or unachievable goals?

In the book Goal Setting: How to Create an Action Plan and Achieve Your Goals, you can read a list of strategies (page 22) for achieving your goals. If you agree with the following statements as you consider your goal, then you probably have a healthy goal in front of you.

1. I know the resources that I need to achieve my goal.
2. I work with goals that are compatible with one another.
3. I can easily ask for help with my goal.
4. I accept the responsibility for working toward my goal.
5. I minimize interruptions that get in the way of reaching my goals.
6. I am flexible to changes that affect my progress.
7. I know the benefits of reaching my goal.
8. I am persistent in my efforts.
9. I review my progress toward my goals on a regular basis.
10. I focus on activities that are related to reaching my goal.

 
What is the difference between totally giving up versus letting go of what’s not working? 

Rarely do I believe that someone "totally gives up." First of all, rarely are absolutes accurate. Quit using them. Secondly, remember that, most of the time, we've learned valuable skills and/or insights by the time that we decide to let go of a goal. Therefore it's nearly impossible to say that you have “totally” give up. Most often, you take something of value from your effort.
 
How can we make quitting a painless and even positive experience?

I’m not certain that quitting can be “painless”. After all, many of us experience loss from giving up on a goal. However, we certainly can make quitting a goal a more valuable experience. Try these three ideas:

1. Redefine and re-frame your definition of quitting. Use the ideas shared in these last couple of blogs to consider how you can think about quitting in a healthier way.
2. Deny junk talk- the communication that tears down relationship. That includes the relationship that you have with yourself.
3. Recognize the learning and growth of working towards the goal, knowing that you can leverage new skills and insights on the new path that you take.

*Read Laurie’s perspective on our interview here!
 
Win a copy of the new Goal Setting!
If you contact me to let me know that you’re interested, I’ll put your name in a drawing for a free copy of the new Goal Setting: How to Create an Action Plan and Achieve Your Goals.  Winner will be drawn on Tues. June 3 at 5 PM (EST).

I’m looking forward to hearing from you…

Give Your Goal a GOMO! If it’s No Longer Working for You

Laurie Kienlen, a freelance writer living on a small island off of the coast of British Columbia, recently interviewed me for an article, Giving Up For Your Own Good: When Quitting is the Healthiest Choice, which will be published in Psychologies. Since the second edition of Goal Setting (published by AMACOM) was released just a handful of weeks before her call, her questions intrigued me. After all, my work with goals focuses on powerful achievement, not giving up!

Laurie’s resulting article, reflecting a variety of interviews, is fascinating. With her agreement, I’m sharing her specific questions and my responses.

Why do we see quitting as a weak or negative thing to do- whether it’s giving up on our goal of losing that last five pounds or letting go of a career goal?

One reason is that we focus on the word, “quit” instead of recognizing that wisdom sometimes encourages us to redirect or alter goals because of changed conditions, resources, skill sets, desires and /or payoffs.

A friend of mine is rehabilitating from a rare and debilitating illness. He has gone from a life full of work and interesting hobbies and boundless energy to a life that is consumed by physical therapy, occupational therapy, and the challenges of simple daily activities that most of us take for granted.

However, from the moment that he found himself flat on his back, unable to move any limb and with limited head motion, he made a decision about his attitude. His decision is an attitude of gratitude for what he has had, courage for the present moment and hope for his future.

This friend is living a blend of wisdom quoted from the Dali Lama and Marcus Aurelius. We want happiness, not suffering; and yet, we often allow our happiness to be controlled by external events more than our internal power of choice. Our unhappiness often is not due to an event itself, but to the way that we give it power to influence our mental state. When we make a decision for more powerful thinking, then we can remain content, even in a difficult or hostile circumstance. As Keith Harrel suggests, we need to “guard our ear gate, our eye gate, and our mouth gate.” To move on to more consistently powerful thinking, we can honor ourselves and others by sowing care and loving choices.

Daily, even minute by minute, my friend makes the powerful and personal choice to let go of what he has lost. He moves on to focus on what he can do, on what he can potentially achieve, and on his gratitude for progress thus far.

Why is it that some of us value tenacity or persistence so highly, to the point that it can become detrimental? What influences our doggedness?

I googled, “quotes about quitting.” It’s amazing the number of quotes that focus on, “Never quit.” Rugged doggedness and persistence have been positioned as badges of honor. However, that way of thinking needs a bit of a shift to be emotionally healthier for each of us. After all, “never” is a long, long time. Though I don’t want people to give up because the going gets tough, there is some merit in the W.C. Fields quote, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”

How are we affected by hanging on to something after it’s no longer healthy? What are the psychological effects of holding on to unrealistic goals?

Stress goes up, self confidence goes down, anxiety goes up, and joy goes down. Energy is depleted; a person feels defeated. We feel less smart and less powerful. Our ability to "bounce back" is often hampered. And there are more than just the psychological effects. There is the wasting of resources of time, energy, creativity and dollars when we keep pouring them into an effort with diminishing returns. It just makes sense to consider giving a goal a GOMO! when it’s no longer beneficial to your circumstances and desires.

How we can learn to be good quitters?

That’s a great question; and I’m looking forward to answering it in the next blog!  Have a great weekend…


*Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's most recent online articles: 10 Green Steps to Weight Loss for Woman's Day and Laughter is Good Medicine for Reader's Digest Online. She's the Feature Writer for Psychology Suite101 & maintains two blogs: Writing Quotations & Tips and Inspirational Quotations for Women.

Goal Setting: How to Create and Achieve your Goals is available through Amazon or our office.

Photo Credit: SoZeSoZe